{Two months}

To Baby Kai at two months of age:

This month you have begun to do alot of new things. You are changing very rapidly. I have seen this happen with three other little guys, so I shouldn't be surprised, but I still am.

You are noticing every thing around you like it is all new and beautiful. You love lights. We're talking a serious obsession with all things bright and lit up. It's the cutest thing! You look at me, make sure you have eye contact, then look at whatever light has gotten your fancy at the time, and then back at me like, "MOM it LIGHTS UP!! For REAL! LOOK AT IT!!" And then you proceed to stare at it with wide eyes until some thing else more important calls for your attention. -Like perhaps a rumbly tummy. Meals are more important than lights. Way more important.

How can a mom ever explain with words the love they have for their baby? It's like this soft and silent feeling and this big and tangible warmth.

My love for you is huge.

The adoration in your eyes is so sweet. You track me with your eyes all around the room. Wherever I go - you make sure you know where it is. Sometimes you have to crane your neck and twist your head at odd angles, but you keep track of me quite well. I haven't figured out yet if it is really me that you are keeping track of, or your beloved food source. :) - Which of course IS me, but I am alot more than just that little buddy (You are, indeed, a boy).

Your grins are disarming. Dimpled toothless grins - really, what could be better??

You have just started adding some squeals and coos to those grins. I find myself spending insane amounts of time saying ridiculous senseless phrases and doing cheesy immature things just to get a glimpse of your grin and hear a little coo from you. Crazy what babies do to mommies! Complete silliness!

Last night I put all of your 0-3 month clothes away. I thought I would sob. I didn't. It has been really exciting to see you grow and be such a healthy boy. I love the 3-6 month outfits I was able to get out for you. It feels good to be moving forward. Perhaps the tears will come at some point, but right now seeing you mature and sleep more at night is just plain thrilling! (That 6 hour stretch you slept last night - could you do it again, please??! Because those 3 hour periods you like to do sometimes make mom a little grumpy...)

We have struggled a bit this month with your tummy troubles and reflux, but I think we are finally getting somewhere with that. Your chiropractor is wonderful and you seem to really like him too. He always warns me that you may be fussy when he adjusts you, but every time you smile at him while he does it. It makes me smile too. We go twice a week and it seems to be slowly making things better and better for you. I still must have a burp cloth handy always, but the spitting up doesn't seem to be bothering you much any more. You are one content little guy.

Your hair still gets attention wherever we go. It is so dark and thick! I even use conditioner on your hair when I wash it. I can't help but play with it. After baths you get little mohawks and crazy spiky hairdos. Your brothers and I do enjoy some crazy hair fun with our baby. You just like the attention. :)

You have made life very busy for us little man. I still haven't quite learned this "mom to 4" thing very well. I am pretty unorganized and scattered most of the time. Nursing you takes precedence over alot of other things. I am late to almost every thing. We are working on it...

*Sigh* Right now you are this cuddly, chubby, little bundle of innocence. Last night I was cradling you close to me. You have this way of just melting into me when I hold you. You are the epitome of softness. My heart did that fluttery sigh that it does when we cuddle. And as I looked at you I thought of the harsh realities of life. You will not always be in the protection of my arms. You will grow up and face a world that is getting farther and farther away from good every day. You will face hurt and sadness. Evil and heartbreak. You will be faced with hard choices and you will be tempted.

And I hate that.

Oh how I wish I could change that. I would give my very life to take hurt out of yours.

But I can't.

So, I will do what I can. My God given job of caring for you. Shepherding you. Showing you the way to go. Cheering you on through life's sweet moments. Crying with you through the not so sweet. Letting you go. And loving you fiercely through it all.

~Mommy

{Mobile to mobile}

I am so glad that Dave and I have unlimited free minutes to talk to each other on our cell phones. 'Cause if we didn't we would have a phone bill that would take his entire pay check. And then some.

We may be extremely busy and have a million tasks to tend to when we are finally home together, but when he is at work, or one of us is out taking kids to Dr appointments, or our dog to the vet (did ya'll know we have a dog? We do. He's big and his name is Buster), or running errands, we are very often on the phone to each other.

Sometimes it is serious stuff; things that need to be discussed and we are afraid we will forget it if we don't grab the phone and get it figured out right then.

Sometimes it is when a stressed mommy needs to cool down. So she grabs her phone and finds a quiet place in the house to connect with some one who knows how to calm her down like no one else.

And sometimes it is pure silliness.

One of our most recent phone convos went something like this:

[me] "Is it just me, or are tractors getting bigger?"

[Dave] "Hello."

[me] "For real. I mean when there is a tractor coming at me and I practically have to get in the ditch and THEY practically have to get in the other ditch just so we can get by each other - well, that should be illegal!"

[Dave] "Where are you?"

[me] "The intersection of road one (not real road name) and road two (not real road name either). But really, what is up with these monster tractors?"

[Dave] "There's usually not big tractors in that area"

[me] "Well, there is today! Two of them just went by me. And they just about crushed my van!"

[Dave] "Mmm-hmmm" (I'm guessing an eye roll was inserted here)

[me] "Love you!"

[Dave] "Love you too. Be careful. Bye"

Five minutes later:

[me] "Hey, can you put that chicken in the oven? I forgot."

[Dave] "Hello."

[me] "Yeah, the chicken - is there enough time to get that cooked before you have to leave for work again tonight?"

[Dave] "I think so. I'll go do that. I love you."

[me] "Love you too. Oh my goodness. A huge combine is coming towards me!"

[Dave] "Bye honey." (Likely another eye roll)

This is how we bond these days. When I see the number of minutes my phone number has been connected with his phone number I often have to laugh. And then thank God they are free minutes. Really - if we can't connect in person - you know, face to face, at least we can connect {mobile to mobile}.

They remind me of everything good in my life

You know those moments when you have had a really long day and you are feeling a little bit grumpy? You might begin to wonder if all of the work you do is accomplishing anything and is it really worth it... ?

Then you see something and your whole heart just feels like it is growing. You get a glimpse of some of the very best things about you life and you know it is all so very, very worth it.

That happened to me the other day and I just wanted to share.

♥ Wow.

Part of me wants to wonder what I ever did to deserve this beauty in my life. But knowing that there is nothing I could ever do to deserve it makes it all the more sweet.

Thank you Jesus.

And then there came a day when it didn't hurt so bad

{J.D.}

It's not for you that I write this - because I know that you don't need my love. You don't need my grief. You don't need my mothering. You don't need to know how we are doing seven years after you briefly graced our lives.

You don't need any of it.

It's for me.

Because every year around this time I think of you more. And I feel a need to get some of those emotions out. It's an outlet for me.

So it is that time of year again. The time where memories are more vivid. Where milestones of your short life begin to make an entrance into our days.

During the past seven years when mid to late December would roll around I would consciously, and subconsciously, begin to feel emotions of a deep and unpredictable manner. I would often feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. Some times "unexplainable" tears would roll down my face - that upon later analyzation, were not unexplainable at all.

They were for you.

They were for the days in December that you were so whole and healthy inside of my body. And then the days in January where we watched your life fade.

It was on December 20th that we first found out that you and K would likely be born much sooner than you were supposed to be. And we began the fight to keep you safe inside.

So each year I remember.

But this year is different. There are still strong emotions. But, so far this year my body feels no sorrow on a physical level for you. My heart remembers - and there is a slight ache. But I have to say that the joy with in me leaves little room for sorrow.

And there is a slight measure of guilt over that. I know - It's rather ridiculous to feel guilty over not being sad. But this is me isn't it? Very typical thrives-on-guilt me.

Every where I look I see the tangible evidence of God's grace and blessings in my life. It feels redemptive. No, your life could never be redeemed by any other lives. You could never be replaced. Ever. But I would have to be insane not to notice the way that God has answered our prayers and multiplied the desires of our hearts since you went to be with him.

J.D. - you were my first baby. My first experience with that all consuming love. Nothing and no one can take that special spot in my life and heart. It will always be reserved for you.

But this year - well, this year the lights on our tree sparkle down on four smiling faces. One looks just like you. One has many question about you. One can't quite grasp the concept of every thing you were and are to us. One shares your name as his middle name.

And in those moments where I expect the sorrow of losing you to weigh me down - those four faces look up into mine and it's just not there. The heavy feeling of loss. The questions of how God could've let this happen... they aren't there this year. To say I am surprised would be an understatement. I hardly remember a December with out these feelings.

The healer called time has something to do with it I am sure. Although it seems impossible that 7 years have passed, it is true and with each one of those years the sharpness has dissipated somewhat.

The healer called Christ has every thing to do with it. In those early days, weeks, months, and even years, I never could have imagined facing this time of year with gladness. Peace. Joy.

But here it is.

This year I am smiling when I think of you.

When a boy smiled at a girl

Once a boy smiled at a girl.

And she felt her heart flutter a little bit - because she had been waiting for it.

His smile could light up a room.

And it for sure lit up her heart.

And from that smile a whole new world opened up.

And the boy who smiled at that girl made her his wife.

And they were happy.

Really, really happy.

And there were alot more smiles from that boy to that girl.

And pretty soon lots of little people filled their house up {Because we all know that's how little people start}.

And added more smiles.

And then one day another boy smiled at that girl.

It was a beautiful smile.

And she felt her heart flutter a little bit - because she had been waiting for it.

His smile could light up a room.

And it for sure lit up her heart.

There may be a phrase in this post that makes you want to wash your eyes after they see it...

Can you be run down, exhausted, battling frustration and love your life all at the same time?? I'm going on the record as saying a big fat Yes!

I have a cold. The "I'm not really sick, no fever- therefore I don't get to stay in bed, but kinda miserable enough to want to cut my head off" kind of head cold.

I'm tired. I'm tired of potty training regression. An almost three year old who SO knows better and still insists on going to the bathroom IN THE FRONT PORCH. -Even when it takes longer to walk to the front porch than the bathroom. HELLO little buddy - MOMMY DOESN'T HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THIS RIGHT NOW!! So, I am doing what any, at the end of her rope sane, mild mannered, patient mommy would do.
Putting him back in diapers.
Okay, just don't judge. I loathe cleaning poop out of underwear. Until he is really really ready, we just aren't doing this anymore.

I have so many goals each day that do not get met. And that has been hard for me. But how can I get the floors vacuumed and mopped, the shopping done, professional looking cookies baked and decorated (hahahaha!), when I am cleaning all matter of grossness from my body, their bodies, and the floor? Sometimes it's when they don't make it to the bathroom, sometimes it's when I forget to grab a burp cloth - but so often in my day I am cleaning up, mopping up, scrubbing... stuff (and I really am trying to avoid using the phrase "cleaning poop out of underwear" again, because I know when you read that phrase in the previous paragraph you grimaced and wished you had never read that).

And here is what is hard to understand: I absolutely love my life! I am crazy about these boys. I would clean up all sorts of nasty for the rest of my life if it meant I could be close to them, be the one who gets the home made ornaments, be the receiver of little boy hugs and sloppy kisses, be their mommy!

On days when I feel the need to throw something or yell really really loud (wow, that would feel good!) I just need to reflect on how much I love this. How I chose this and would choose it all over again. How many people would give any thing for this -(well, minus the bodily function in the article of clothing...). How privileged I am.

Welcome to my contradictory life. Thank you for being a part of this segment of time where I am reminding myself how much I love it. I'll check back later. I have some laundry to tend to... you know, those things with that stuff in them.

Thanksgiving weekend {2009}

I started writing a "thankful" post the day before thanksgiving.
I re-read it and it just fell so short of what was really in my heart.
It was so cliche.
It was "Oh, I am so thankful for my wonderful family..etc...etc..."
Nice stuff really, it just did not even come close to expressing the depth of true gratitude. At best it was - shallow.
For some reason I could not find the right words to bring what was in my heart to life. I just couldn't.
I was going to publish it anyway, but my computer started having all sorts of issues and it ended up lost any way.
What it really comes down to is my heart overflowing.
A God who has surprised me with grace and a measure of joy that really can not be quantified.
So, now I will simply share my heart through my camera lens. I didn't get any pictures of our actual Thanksgiving day, but let me tell you - it was just right! The 6 of us relaxed together, watched the parade, had Dave's famous breakfast pizza, then in the afternoon went over to the home of some new friends. Truly lovely! It was so relaxing.

Here is the rest of our Thanksgiving weekend!